When we recommend an emotion-free approach to resolving life situations, we mean, at the most basic level, the regulation of emotions, and at a higher level, the purification of emotions. Once someone has mastered these two aspects, they are no longer controlled by their emotions, yet they are fully aware of others’ emotional motivations and respect them. If someone possesses this ability, we call them emotionally mature. This can be achieved through a long process of learning and practice. That is why no one should expect this from themselves or others as an innate ability; but, if there is an emotionally mature person in the family, that can be of great help. This, however, is generally rare.

I promised to give examples of emotional reactions that lead to false decisions. Let’s look at the first one: infidelity. If a partner finds out they’ve been cheated on, the initial reaction is disappointment, and in many cases, the relationship becomes so strained that it ends in divorce. At that point, arrangements must be made for child custody and the division of assets—there’s a lot of hassle, and the outcome is bad for everyone in every respect.

Disappointment leads to a loss of trust, causing the parties to drift apart instead of sitting down to discuss the situation. But before they even sit down, they must first ask themselves a few clarifying questions. These include, but are not limited to:

1. Have I given him/her everything he/she desires?
2. Do I intend to give him/her what he/she desires, or this is all, that I can offer?
3. If I cannot or will not give him/her something, can I expect him/her not to seek it from someone else?
4. Why does it hurt me that I was cheated on? What has been damaged within me? Where is the vulnerability within me that caused me emotional pain?
5. Do I understand—and do I care about—my partner’s motivations that led to the cheating?
6. Is this relationship valuable enough to me that I’m willing to try to work it out?

Let’s be honest with ourselves! The answers often raise new questions.

1. You may feel like you’ve given everything, but do you even know what they truly want? Maybe he/she didn’t tell you—maybe he/she doesn’t even know himself/herself. Perhaps his/her motivation for the affair was to figure out what he/she is missing in the relationship with you.
2. Maybe he/she is looking for something you can’t—and don’t even want to—give him/her. You’ll never be able to give someone everything, because you’re two different people, and you don’t completely overlap. Complete overlap is rare; it’s usually temporary, and above all, an illusion.
3. If there’s something you can’t give, you can’t expect your partner to give up on their desire. He/she may choose to do so on his/her own decision, but you can’t blackmail anyone with this. No one is your possession—neither their body nor their soul belongs to you. When he/she married you or moved in with you, he/she did so of his/her own free will.
4. Being cheated on doesn’t hurt. There are (were) cultures where monogamy isn’t (wasn’t) the norm. The point here isn’t whether that’s okay or not, but rather, what hurts about being cheated on? The most common reason is a lack of self-confidence. You think you’re not good enough, and the other person must be better. But they’re not better—just different; they can offer something different, in a different way. It’s a fundamental truth that even the best woman (man) can be cheated on. The pain might stem from wounded vanity too: if you’re not good enough for him/her, then you don't even want him/her. You may feel that you’re not appreciated, that you’ve been deceived, or that your trust has been abused. But you don’t know this for sure, because you haven’t clarified it with him/her yet; you’re just thinking these based on your emotions.
5. Until you sit down with him/her for a calm conversation, you certainly won’t know his/her motivations. It’s also possible that he/she doesn’t know them, or can’t put them into words. It takes a very deep level of self-knowledge for someone to be clear about his/her own motivations. When someone enters into a relationship, they’re usually not yet clear about themselves—they don’t know who or what they’re looking for, and they don’t know what’s truly important to them. The reality is that we grow through our relationships, and we shape ourselves through them. By the time we reach a higher level of self-knowledge (if ever), we’re long past the stage of starting a family, but we can’t wait until the point of developed self-awareness, because by then it will be biologically too late. If you’re not interested in your partner’s motivations, you’ll just sulk—and then it’s not really about him/her, but about licking your own wounds.
6. To determine the value of the relationship, take a piece of paper and divide it into two columns. On one side, list the relationship’s advantages; on the other, its disadvantages. If there are more advantages than disadvantages, then it’s worth trying to work things out.

After that, you should have a clarifying conversation. Don’t wait for the other person—take the initiative yourself. The first question: How do you envision our future? Get a clear answer. Most of the time, he/she won’t know, so you can continue the discussion:

– How did this happen? What led to this? How serious is the other relationship?

Your partner is usually reassured when you remain calm; then he/she is willing to open up about his/her external and internal motivations because they feel understood. It’s important that if he/she criticize you, don’t protest immediately; say that you understand his/her point of view, but it doesn’t match yours, or that you agree, but—and here you can explain how you feel about the situation. Your partner might have a weak character—he/she hasn’t settled down yet, doesn’t know what he/she wants, and is just testing things out…

The most important factors that can lead to misunderstandings in a relationship:

1. People expect each other to have fully formed personalities. Personality, however, develops throughout one’s entire life—in other words, it is not static. One of the greatest challenges is to harmonize personality development over the course of a lifetime. It’s nearly impossible. But even in this case, the relationship can be saved if there is patience and acceptance. I’m deliberately not writing “love” here, because if love were present, relationship problems wouldn’t even arise.
2. People think that once they’ve found a partner, they can relax. Yes, everyone likes to relax, but someone has to manage the relationship. You need shared experiences, shared activities, and common interests, but you can’t—and don’t have to—do everything together all the time. From this perspective, decide: do you want to be the "trunk" or the "branch"? Are you in control, or are you handing over control of the relationship? In the long run, no relationship works on its own.
3. People deprive each other of freedom. Either they have time for each other and want to spend every moment together, or they don’t, because they’re completely consumed by the struggle to survive. In contrast, both partners need freedom—time for himself/herself, for "me-time"—when one is either by oneself or with someone else. Time spent with others also fosters growth, brings new dynamics to the relationship, and can refresh it. And when partners support each other’s ambitions, the stress associated with the struggle for survival is reduced.
4. In a relationship, let’s forget about stereotypes. There is no such thing as having to implement something in one specific way or another. What matters is mutual agreement. If the man does the dishes and the woman does the repairs, that can be perfect as long as neither of them has any objections. Let’s get to know and appreciate each other’s abilities.
5. People expect love from others. “You don’t love me,” or “You don’t love me enough,” they say. In contrast, we exist in an ocean of love; we just haven’t learned how to connect into it. Whoever are capable of this will no longer lack love; they themselves will become a source of it. In this context, the problem is that X does not want to draw from a general field of love, but wants to receive love exclusively from Y, and wants to love exclusively Y—who, as it happens, is unable to either give or receive! In other words, X clings to Y. In contrast, love—as an energy field that permeates all that exists—does not permit any exclusivity; it cannot be forced upon anyone, nor can it be expected from anyone.
6. The most common cause of infidelity is a mismatch in sexual needs. This is precisely why, in earlier eras, men kept concubines and women kept lovers. Men could fulfill desires with their concubines that they would never ask of their wives, while women could receive that attention their husbands never had time for. It’s not ideal, but it works. Let’s forget the idea that a relationship has to be ideal. It doesn’t have to be ideal—it just has to be realistic, that is, livable. Romantic movies and romance novels depict the ideal model. Most often, they reflect the creator’s desires—desires that, in reality, even the creator couldn’t fulfill. We need this ideal because it shows us the goal toward which we should develop our relationship. But an ideal relationship exists only in the spiritual realms

of ideas—and even there, it’s rare.

I see people struggling and suffering, even though they could develop, because there are those who understand and teach all these.

(to be continued…)

Margaret Rhasoda Varga
guru of UCCM
Budapest, Hungary